My New Year Resolutions

Kenny Kerner

2010 is just around the corner. It's a new year. A new start. A new beginning to things.

Well, I suppose that means it's time once again to make some pretty important resolutions. To resolve to do things I never got around to doing last year. Or the year before, for that matter. Let's see…where to begin?

For 2010 I resolve to lose weight. Yeah, that's a good one. I resolve to lose at least 150 pounds. No more lasagna. No more pasta. No more chocolates. Plenty of walking... about 3-4 miles a day, at least. And exercising every spare moment on my home gym.

I resolve to be extra nice and courteous to people regardless of how they may aggravate me. In spite of the fact that they drive me crazy with silly questions that have obvious answers. But it's a new year and I'll be extra nice.

This year I'm also gonna get out to clubs more often. No more sitting on my ass watching YouTube or Facebook or videos on artist Web sites. Not for me. I'm going clubbing. Throw down a coupla Dewars White shots, get a front row seat and rock out!

I'm also gonna treat my friends better this year. You know, call them more often, be kinder and gentler to them, treat them with at least some respect. Cause a guy doesn't get to have too many good friends in his life so he needs to cherish the ones he does have, right?

I also resolve to listen to every single bit of music that is given to me in the hopes that somewhere in that pile of songs is the next hit! After all, I discovered KISS by listening to demo tapes every week. So why can't it happen again? Why can't lightening strike twice? Of course it can!

I'm gonna work hard to help others get ahead. To educate them. To help them get their careers off the ground and become successful. Because it will be a good reflection on me and as they become successful they will want to thank me for my kindness and bestow money and expensive gifts on me, right?

I'm gonna finally learn how to play guitar, figure out three or four chords, start a rock band and put together a little local club tour. Maybe I'll even become a rock star. You just never know in this crazy business. Ker-ner-Ker-ner-Ker-ner. Can you hear them screaming for me? I can. Yeah, that's one resolution I gotta keep.

But before I become a rock star I have to write a hit song. Not just a hit, the best damn song ever written by anyone ever. Better than John Lennon. Better than Paul McCartney. Better than Paul Simon. Better than Ezra. It won't have any verses—just an amazing chorus that people will be singing in their sleep. Nobody remembers verses anyway.

And for the big follow-up to the big hit, I'm gonna write a song that sounds exactly like the first big hit so people know it's me and can easily identify my writing style. Never mind with trying to be creative when you're on a roll!

I resolve to put together the most amazing back up band of musicians for my arena tour. I'll be totally in charge of everything. The arrangements. The music. The rehearsals. The tour dates. The salaries. I'll be a real dictator leader so nothing goes wrong. I'm likin' this a lot so far.

And when the RIAA presents me with a quadruple Titanium Award for over a half-billion CDs sold, I will thank absolutely everyone I can think of for helping me become rich beyond my wildest imagination. At the Grammy show I will wave to the audience a lot and point to friends from the podium. I will even kiss another guy and have a clothing malfunction to create controversy and good press for myself.

I can do all of this because 2010 is just around the corner. It's a new year. A new start. A new beginning to things.