The 10 Biggest Lies
in the Music Business

Kenny Kerner

In this business, people often say things that they don't mean—whether it's to be kind and not offend someone or maybe it's because a person doesn't know how to be tactful when conversing. Nevertheless, the end result is the same-a half truth. Quite often, a bold-faced lie!

After 40 years, these "lies" are now pretty obvious to me. So I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you in the hopes that you can more easily identify them in the future. You're probably familiar with one or two of them already. But read along anyway. After countless hours of thought and numerous lists, I've finally narrowed it down to the 10 biggest lies in the music business. These are listed in no particular order. Here we go—and please let me know what you think.

1. WE'LL FIX IT IN THE MIX (Hall of Fame lie)
   You can't fix it if it's not there! Simple logic tells you that. This is simply a means for a producer or engineer to not deal with a situation. "We'll fix it in the mix" really means—go away. We'll get to that later. I'm busy now. I know it sucks and I let it get past me, so we'll try to save it when we get to the mixing stage. When someone tells me they'll fix it in the mix, I respond by asking them to fix it now! And besides, what makes this producer/engineer think that HE is going to be doing the mixing?


2. WHEN ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING? I'LL SEND SOMEONE DOWN TO SEE YOU AT THE SHOW.
   How many times have you heard this one? I hope you're not holding your breath. Simply translated this means—I have to get off the phone now so I'll tell you what you want to hear and hang up. We all know that in almost every case, NOBODY ever makes it to the show especially with YouTube and streaming videos and all. Something ALWAYS seems to pop up the last minute—just as that record company or management guy was about to walk out his office to hear you play. An amazing coincidence, dontcha think? Here's one that'll mess with their heads: Ask if you can pick them up and drive them to the gig to make it easier. Then stand back and watch them squirm.


3. I CAN'T PUT THAT IN THE CONTRACT BUT YOU HAVE MY WORD ON IT!
   Yeah, right. It still amazes me that people refuse to stand behind what they say. They promise you anything and then swear by it but will not put those same words down on paper and sign it. Makes me think something shady is going on. I refuse to work with anybody who will not put into writing the exact words he speaks to me verbally. In this case, there's only one reason for it: He's telling you a lie! Nowadays, with 360 deals, labels are putting in everything you own and then some!


4. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU TOMORROW
   In short, this means—see ya, dude. Don't call me, I'll call you. Nobody ever gets back to you tomorrow. Most of the time, nobody ever gets back to you at all. A former partner of mine ended a phone conversation with me by saying that he'd go over his work load and get back to me tomorrow with a new schedule. That was 12 years ago. Think I should keep waiting? Think he's gonna call? When someone says that to me, here's what I say: Sounds good. But if I don't hear from you in a day or so, I'll call you. This puts them on the spot and let's them know that you'll be in touch if they flake. It puts YOU in charge! And with all of the current social networks, there's no reason at all for not getting in touch.


5. I'M SORRY, HE ISN'T IN RIGHT NOW. CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?
   I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, but the most important people in the music business are the secretaries and assistants to the executives. The Gatekeepers. You cannot get a call through to an executive without it first passing through the hands of an assistant. If the person on the other end of the telephone does not know you from Adam, why should he/she leave his spinach and avocado salad and check to see if Mr. Big Shot Executive wants to take your call? The spinach could wilt! Sometimes, they just don't want to be bothered. You need to make friends with the secretaries and assistants so that when you do call, you represent a friendly, familiar voice and not some aggressive, uncaring, unknown enemy. The truth is—you never, ever know if the person you want is really in or really out. So start making friends—NOW. I think this is called NETWORKING!


6. THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL (Hall of Fame lie)
   Here's something you probably never realized: The only person who really knows if your check's in the mail is the kid in the mail room who mailed it. Why some executive on the 19th floor of corporate headquarters would tell someone that the check's in the mail is beyond me. Mr. Exec either approves the writing of the check or requisitions it. He does NOT physically walk it to the mail box and drop it in. So how then does he know? Get in touch with the mail room. They usually run most companies, anyway.


7. I LISTEN TO EVERY SONG I GET-- I SWEAR.
   For this to be true, most A&R Reps and managers would have to move their clothing and beds into their offices and actually live there. Truth is, they listen only to a very small percentage of all the music they receive. Instead, they delegate the listening responsibilities to local office interns. Now how does that make you feel? CDs sent to major record companies (if they are solicited) are logged onto the A&R Reps computer and then they sit around until someone gets time to hear them. And that usually takes several months. Nobody ever listens to every song he gets—except me, of course. I swear!


8. I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW AND ORIGINAL TO SIGN.
   Not a chance. First of all, very few artists are either totally new or totally original. So that automatically puts a damper on your statement. Secondly, once something new and original does happen (like Nirvana, for example), every other record company wants something EXACTLY like that—which explains why, after Nirvana exploded, every A&R guy spent his weekends in Seattle looking for the next Nirvana. Thus, the Seattle Sound. Is it a coincidence that once Backstreet Boys happened big in America, bands like 'N Sync, 98 degrees, Five, C-Note and Take Five all appeared? I think not. Ever think about the similarities between Brandy, Jewel, LeAnn Rimes, Spice Girls, B*Witched and Britney Spears in terms of image and audience appeal? Artists that are totally new and totally original are usually found—totally accidentally.


9. LET'S DO LUNCH
   How the hell can you DO lunch? You can EAT lunch. You can go out to lunch. But DO lunch? Could be this is an expression used only in Hollywood. Basically, this is another way of saying goodbye, see ya soon. It's sorta like saying—keep in touch. You don't really mean keep in touch. You just say it as you leave. It's cordial, it's friendly, it sounds nice. When someone leaves me with the "Let's do lunch" phrase, I immediately reply—when? To which they usually respond—I don't know. Have your girl call my girl. And so it goes.


10. LET'S WORK OUT A DEAL THAT'S FAIR FOR BOTH PARTIES.
    Makes you wanna laugh immediately, doesn't it. I don't think there's a single person reading this that actually believes it. When working out a deal, you want it to always favor the person you represent. The hell with the other parties! Additionally, if this statement is true, why wasn't the deal written fairly to begin with? Why should it have to be worked out? Write a deal that is fair for everyone concerned and you never have to make this statement again, right? It's statements like these that keep music attorneys in business. But that's another story entirely.